You say it’s the holidays and you need presents for your friends and family? We have a few suggestions. Turns out this site is sponsored by Archie McPhee!

I have merged all the sales emails I have received in the last month into one super email which is guaranteed to sell your product. Use it wisely.

You have probably never heard “Bean Burrito,” Hiram Bullock’s smooth jazz tribute to, well, a bean burrito. Nor would I have, if Pandora Radio’s algorithm-based system really worked.

I discovered two rows of worker ants, one entering and one returning outside. I cringed as I imagined what they had found. A salsa spill? A forgotten stash of unwanted licorice jellybeans? A corpse?

I propose that the most efficient way to understand a people and their culture is to examine their greeting cards. It’s like reading their mail before they send it.

Your support of Archie McPhee will help us to make sure that Monkey Goggles continues entertaining you, irritating you and recharging your libido with goat glands implanted just under the skin.

I knew I’d found it when I saw a blue building with a black-and-white Wolfman poster hanging in its window, assuring me that I was about to be in the best possible place.

Having been born and raised in Ohio, I understand boredom in a profound way. In 1963, the two most exciting things in my life were my $3.98 “Made In Japan” transistor radio with a fake leather case and Whitey, my albino hamster.

Over an insanely funky beat, good ol’ Charlie Brown throws down his paper bag full of stratum, elbows his way through his posse and steps up: “I gotta rock.” After this, no one will ever diss him again, not even Lucy.

If your taste in novelty songs begins and ends at the great “Weird Al” Yankovic or “My Ding-a-Ling,” it’s time to introduce some fresh crazy blood into your iTunes shuffle.