I’d like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to four words on a television screen that have brought a thrill to so many the world over: “Peter Falk as COLUMBO.”

A friend wondered why “Auld Lang Syne” is the theme music for New Year’s Eve; why not something more upbeat, more funky, more par-tay?

People take great pride in their Christmas trees, whether they be real or artificial. Colored or white lights? Bows and ribbons, or strings of beads? The possibilities are endless.

While visiting my family for a week, I managed to see three different exes. These reunions were not merely happenstance. They were planned and pleasant experiences.

Confession. I have never had fruitcake. I know nothing about it. Yes, I know what it is, but I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what it tastes like. And today, I’m going to eat it.

I don’t need to tell you why bookstores are disappearing. Truthfully, the economics of it don’t interest me as much as where the introverts are supposed to go without them.

Emo started with a desire to emote and discuss more personal/poetic concepts that were less available in traditional three-chord punk. And you, Rainer Maria, understood that, even if I didn’t seem to.

There are some songs that find a hole in your sense of self and plug it up … and all at once, you begin filling up with the exultations to which you were once immune.

I freely admit that I liked “Glee’s” watered-down version of this tranny-filled musical, even if it changed the lyric of “Touch-A, Touch-A, Touch Me” from “seat wetting” to “bad fretting.”

My hometown doesn’t want me back. Perhaps that’s just as well, because it’s hardly the same place I terrorized as a teenager.