After inventing the computer in 1958, the most exalted one looked out over his work and declared it good. He then ate 146 eggs for breakfast.

Why in the world would you try to make Chanukah into some sort of Jewish Christmas? Are you mental?

Confession. I have never had fruitcake. I know nothing about it. Yes, I know what it is, but I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what it tastes like. And today, I’m going to eat it.

This one is for those who try and ruin Christmas for everyone. I am taking it on myself to douse you with a liberal helping of Christmas cheer whether you want it or not.

A midlife crisis can be a good thing. What if it’s really a preemptive emotional turmoil meant to warn you of a dangerous stagnation in your mind, body, soul, marriage or career? A kind of idiot light blinking just before things start to seize up and you get, you know, old?

Attention travelers! The Transportation Security Administration is now offering your pre-flight choice of a naked photo or an “enhanced patdown.” Here’s how to prep yourself for the grope.

You probably live a state of constant fear, and with good reason: The world is full of blackmailers, robbers, printer cartridge mailers and other “ers” far too terrible to mention.

Last week, Washington State voted to preserve its historic prohibition-era blue laws and took steps to insure that Tim Eyman will be in our lives for at least 30 more years. But it’s not enough.

Dressing as you for Halloween was intended as an homage, it was not meant to insult or anger you. It was just a rib. (By the way, did you see the McRib is back this week? Yum!)

I am SO into Halloween, they call me…Mr. Halloween. I LOVE Halloween. Not like mama-child love. Not like puppy love. Not even like how you might love Ore-Ida Tater Tots, but loving love.