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The Bacon Eater’s Manifesto

25 September 2009 Lies and Entertainment 45,913 views 6 CommentsPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

This document is a recently discovered artifact of an organization that existed in America during the 1950s. The Society for Culinary Acceptance of Bacon competed for membership with the Masons and Oddfellows during the height of secret fraternal organizations. SCAB didn’t hide itself behind secrets and mystical ceremonies like most groups, it was just a bunch of guys that really liked bacon.

Still, they produced several important written documents, including this recently-uncovered Bacon Eater’s Manifesto. Although its language and some of its attitudes may appear outdated, we present a section of it because its central wisdom still holds true today.

The Bacon Eater’s Manifesto

Before beginning, we must acknowledge bacon as the most perfect food that has ever or will ever exist. It is the food which holds the perfect balance of fat and salt. The crispiness to withstand even the moistest sandwich and the heartiness to make even a salad edible. We sing the praises of bacon. We dance in its honor. We close our eyes and inhale deeply allowing its scent to enter our bodies and fill us with happiness as if we were human balloons and the bacon is God’s breath.

Bacon is also the universal food, for it is not elitist fancy-pants eating. It is enjoyed by everyone from the lowliest hobo to the wealthiest Wall Street tycoon. Even Mr. Rockefeller himself is known to partake in bacon during breaks from counting his large stacks of money. It is the chosen last meal of death row inmates and the first thing men ask for after being rescued from desert islands. After all, if you were stranded on an island, would you rather have a beautiful woman or endless bacon? The choice is clear.

We suggest renaming the pig to something more descriptive of its purpose. This animal should be renamed “living bacon” or “bacon with legs” so as not to hide that inner beauty it holds. The swine lives in filth, but just as plants grow from manure, so does the seed of bacon take hold in the swill of mud and garbage and grow into the redwood of meats. Bacon.

Now that we have paid proper homage to bacon, we name ourselves as eaters of bacon and set forth our purpose and pathway. These are the truths we live by and hold sacred.

1. There is nothing that cannot be improved by the addition of bacon.

Some might hold out sweets as being spoiled by adding bacon or a gourmet chef might say that the balance of a dish will be upset by the addition of bacon, but we state here and now that they are wrong. There is no food, or indeed no event, that cannot be improved with the addition of bacon. A single slice of bacon can act as a magnifying glass on the smallest amount of goodness or happiness in something, and magnify it to skyscraper size.

2. Bacon may shorten your life, but what is life without bacon?

Doctors, health nuts and vegetarians are constantly whispering in our ears that bacon poses some kind of health risk. That your life would be longer without it. But, we ask, what is your life without it? It’s a cupcake without frosting. A marriage without love. A summer without a sunny day. Quality of life must be taken into consideration when choosing your food. Do not waste time with green beans and squash; fill all the empty moments with the king of meat.

3. Bacon is the best thing at a breakfast buffet.

Loading up on toast or eggs is a tragedy. For they are simply buffer foods to distract you from bacon.

4. Bacon is so delicious, some people claim it wrote the works of Shakespeare.

We have our doubts that it did. For if bacon could write, why would it write something so boring and inscrutable to the common man?

5. The greatest odor in the world is the smell of cooking bacon.

If one were to truly and dutifully bottle its essence, even a woman plain as tap water could attract a square-jawed, Hollywood dreamboat. If it were promised that heaven smelled like bacon, surely men would do no evil from that moment forward.

The document then goes on to describe the ceremonial eating and enjoyment of bacon as practiced by those that know it best. You can read the second part here.

David Wahl

Mr. Bacon vs. Monsieur Tofu can be purchased from Archie McPhee

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  1. “If it were promised that heaven smelled like bacon, surely men would do no evil from that moment forward.”

    Has this been tried for the Israeli–Palestinian conflict? What could go wrong?

  2. Is there really a more perfect food? Can we duel over it? Pistols at dawn!

    Who wants to die perfectly healthy? If perfect health were even achievable, would we? Bacon is what maintains that delicate balance of nature.

  3. Ed, that would be a great idea, but I’m pretty sure that both Islam and Judaism prohibit the consumption of pork. Silly traditionalist Abrahamic religions! What’s next, a religion founded in America that prohibits beer? :D

  4. @Ed you’re talking about two religions of people who believe that it is a sin to consume the flesh of a pig, regardless of form. The bacon argument won’t work.

  5. The consumption pork is prohibited, based on the kind of foot it has. I just wonder if bacon made from the mule foot pig is kosher or hilal.

  6. […] Click here to read part one. […]

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