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An Excised Portion of the Official Biography of Kim Jong-Il Removed for Mysterious Reasons

31 December 2010 Lies and Entertainment 25,355 views One CommentPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

After inventing the computer in 1958, the most exalted one looked out over his work and declared it good. He then ate 146 eggs for breakfast while drinking five gallons of milk.

Comrade Kim Il Sung recognized that his son Kim Jong-Il had become a pillar of the spirit of the Korean nation, and while he had excelled at each challenge presented to him, he should learn some of the physical labor practiced by the soldiers of the revolution.

He mastered cobbling, the arts of the tailor and cooking in a single day. The suit and shoes he made his father as a gift became a model for all future suits and altered the course of fashion as far away as Paris. In cooking, he created the most delicious kimchi with hardly any effort.

It was then that the great sun of the Korean People Kim Il Sung decided that Kim Jong-Il should learn the skills of a merchant seaman. He realized that this would be no challenge for his son, so he scheduled a short training session. A three-hour tour on a transport ship.

For the trip, Kim Jong-Il designed himself a uniform with a bright red shirt and white hat, and set about learning his trade. As they set off, the ship hit a terrible storm. It was the worst storm the world had ever seen and the only reason the ship survived at was the actions of the fearless Kim Jong-Il. If not for his excellence, the ship would have been lost.

After landing the boat safely on an island, our Dear Leader looked at the passengers on the boat and realized that they were a microcosm of Korea. While he waited to be rescued, he decided to experiment with his vision of Jiwon (Aim High) to create a tiny version of his great society.

The skipper of the ship was a simpering, obese man who represented the excesses of capitalism. An older couple on board the ship had money that they had never worked for and expected all to be done for them. They represented old Korea, before the socialist reformation. There was a professor on board the ship who was full of theories and abstractions. He represented the class of intellectuals.

Most importantly of all were the two marriage age women that were on the boat. They represented the best and worst of the world. One, was a glamorous actress used to only the finer things and an unearned exalted position. The other was a girl from a family farm who represented the hardworking nature of the Korean People.

After all agreed that Kim Jong-Il would be their leader and cheered him, he immediately set the captain to work as a kind of secret police to watch the others and report back on their behaviors. The professor was soon in jail, separated from the other for expressing ideas counter to revolutionary ideals. His cell mate was a chimpanzee who had dropped a coconut on Kim Jong-Il from a coconut tree.

They had many adventures in the month they were on the island, all of which helped to form the future of Korea. There were too many things that happened to innumerate here, they are truly worthy of their own book. Here are a few highlights. After a pie fight, Kim Jong-Il imprisoned them all for wasting food. The castaways were also guided in the production of a musical written by Dear Leader that has become a classic of the genre. After an American spy satellite crashed on the island, Kim Jong-Il learned the true nature of that great snake country.

It should be noted that this was not a rest for our Leader. It was here that he developed Korea’s nuclear program using a lump of radioactive rock, two coconuts and a complicated network of bamboo tubing that forms the centerpiece of the world dominant program that China and the United States seek to halt today.

After Kim Jong-Il decided to leave the island he turned it into a private island resort. He has returned to it several times. Most famously for a basketball game where a group of Americans played a superior team of Korean-produced robots.

- David Wahl

You can buy Dear Leader Tongue Scrapers and a Dear Leader Centaur Painting at Archie McPhee.

ILLUSTRATION BY SURIAN SOOSAY

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One Comment »

  1. Hilarious. This sounds exactly like cult-of-personality style hagiography.

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