Rebbe Judah Jewstein’s Guide to the Christmas Season for Jews
I know that Chanukah ended before Christmas this year. Is it acceptable to keep our Chanukah bush out until the end of the year to keep the season festive?
Bernie Loves the Bush
Yes, in fact you should keep your bush out all year long and you should get a nasty cut from the thorns. Why in the world would you try to make Chanukah part of the “festive season?” Indeed, it seems to me like you’re trying to make Chanukah into some sort of Jewish Christmas. What? Are you mental? Do you even remember the story of Chanukah? It was about a fight against assimilation from the non-believers. It celebrates an effort by a small band of religious men (the Maccabees) who refused to give up one aspect of Judaism or accept any of the Hellenic trends of day. Yes, keep your bush out and place it under some Holocaust stockings hung by the chimney with care, you nudnik.
I’m Jewish, but my wife is Christian. What’s the best holiday meal to embrace both cultures?
Mixed but in Love
Sante Fe, NM
You should have a joyous meal with your loved ones, but it may be difficult because you’ve already married out of the faith and therefore each swallow should burn with regret. Really, why do you even ask? According to Jewish Law, your children are Christian so feed their little goyisha mouths full of hamhocks for all I care. But since you asked, let me ask you a question. Your wife believes in Christ. Fine. Does she know that if he existed and was the “Messiah” (Oy Gevalt) that he would have been an adherent Jew. That means he would have never touched any pork or shellfish, let alone marry a NON-JEWISH girl. His mother would have been Jewish, in fact his whole mishpucha would have been Jewish. Why do Christians eat ham on Christmas but to announce to the world that they are hypocrites! But you want to talk about food. I assume you will have latkes. That’s rich! Why in the world do you think latkes are Jewish food? You want to know what Jewish food is? It’s whatever bitter, bland and hard food to swallow is available. Do you think we like Gefilte Fish and Matzoh because they taste good? We eat these things because they remind us of suffering. I hope you should never know the suffering of your ancestors from your decisions, you shlemiel.
My son’s Musical Holiday Pageant doesn’t include one Jewish song. Should I insist on “Dreidel Dreidel” being placed on the program?
Yes, you should absolutely insist on “Dreidel, Driedel” being sung. And while you’re at it, why not “White Christmas?” That was written by a Jew, too, and has about as much importance and relevance to your son as a song about a lump of clay used for gambling. What does it matter, really, you send your child to public school. Is that any place to teach him to be a mensch? You might as well being sending your little man to the Goyim Academy for Assimilation! Do none of you brain-dead people understand what Chanukah means? What you should do is go to this Pageant and explain before the program that if the Macabees didn’t fight the Helenists then monotheism would not have been viable. But for their act of resistance there would be no Christmas, there would be no Ramadan… nothing. Kaput. The whole holiday thing, ironically, is because of Chanukah! So fey on all these “Holy Nights” and “Drummer Boys” and all that dreck. You should insist that they sing “Let My People Go,” you yente.
Why don’t we dress up as Maccabees for Chanukah? Wouldn’t that make Chanukah more fun for our kids having to deal with Christmas?
Filled with the Chanukah Spirit
Yes, you should absolutely dress up as a Maccabee and then like the Maccabees you should be holed up in a building for eight days and then, like the Maccabees, be slaughtered. But instead of our brother Maccabees who died as martyrs for Ha’shem himself, you will be dispatched for your ignorance. What do you think this is, Purim? You should grow like an onion with your head in the ground and your feet in the air. Actually, you know what, forget that… you should make Christmas easier for your kids by just converting already, you shmendrik. Gornisht Helfn!
I tried to download the classic SNL sketch “Hanukah Harry” on You Tube, but it said the clip is no longer available. Why is this?
Boca Raton, FL
Contrary to public belief, it is only Lorne Michaels who runs the media. Now when he was Lorne Lipowitz… don’t get me started. But now? Is there anything worse than a man who runs from his own name? Which reminds me, did I ever tell you about the time I davened with Tony Curtis?