A Modest Christmas Wish
This one is for all the gloomy Grinches and sorrowful Scrooges out there who try and ruin Christmas for everyone. I am taking it on myself to douse you with a liberal helping of Christmas cheer whether you want it or not. I can’t stand that you deprive yourselves of the pleasure of a day-long marathon of “It’s a Wonderful Life” or of Al Roker at a parade interviewing an NBC stars about their sitcom while wishing us a Merry Christmas. This is what America is all about.
That’s right, I’m taking out my merry machine gun loaded with mistletoe (missle-toe? Ha!) and lining all you Noel-hating ninnies against a wall and pulling the trigger until you are smiling and singing along to a cheery version of “O Tannenbaum.” If that doesn’t work I’m hanging you on the door like a wreath, upside down so your frown is a smile, until the endless parade of carolers knocking on you improves your dower mood.
Boo hoo, I hear you blubbering about the over-commercialization of Christmas and how if you have to hear “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” before Thanksgiving it makes you want to commit Santacide in the Santaland of your local mall. Oh, and then you’ll tell me all the facts and statistics about people starving in the world and how can we celebrate when there is so much suffering?
Well, I’m here to tell you that Christmas is all about ignoring suffering for a day, although some people manage to stretch it for whole month. And if you can’t ignore it completely, you’re supposed to do something symbolic to show you’re doing something about it – like donating broken toys to kids with no parents or saying yes when they ask if you’d like to donate a dollar when you’re in line at Costco. You could also just watch a sad Christmas movie about a poor family who can’t get a Christmas tree or the one about the girl from the Cosby show selling matches.
Until then, I have a plan for you. I’m going to eggnogboard you (it’s like waterboarding, but with eggnog) until you sputter a version of jingle bells between gurgles of that thick yellow Christmas liquid. If I add a little rum to it, it will be like drowning in Christmas cheer.
If that doesn’t work, I think we should open up a series of Christmas reeducation camps across the US where you can spend the holidays so the rest of us don’t have to put up with you grumbly Guses. Each year, about December 5th, the National Guard will go door to door and if you don’t have up Christmas decorations (Or, if you believe in another religion, the December holiday of your choice), you can be taken to a camp where you’ll eat gruel and get coal as a present.
So wise up, Mr. Smarty-pants-I-hate-the-holidays. If you don’t wan to take advantage of Christmas, we will bring Christmas cheer down upon you like the burning fires of hell until you are so full of cheer you are ready to burst! In fact, we might just put you in Santa’s gift sack and pa rum pum pum pummel you into happiness.
That’s it, smile. After all, Christmas comes but once a year.