Preparing for Your First TSA Grope
When you travel by air this holiday season, you’re going to get significantly more than you asked Santa for. Thanks to recent advances in the dissolution of personal liberties, the Transportation Security Administration is now offering your pre-flight choice of a naked photo or a full-body grope. Some medical professionals have suggested that the act of getting an x-ray from someone who isn’t a qualified radiologist — while totally awesome and reminiscent of that cool scene in “Total Recall” — may in fact be bad for you. That means that if you’re going home to see the parents this December, you’ve first got to get through a bit of how’s yer father.
In the interest of making this experience as pleasant as possible, Monkey Goggles recommends you take the following pre-travel steps.
Think of a way to decline the full-body x-ray that’s at least halfway witty. You don’t want to appear too eager to proceed directly to the grope, but at the same time, you don’t want to be too funny; the TSA officers are kinda starved for free entertainment, and will detain you indefinitely while they inquire after every joke in your arsenal — even the one about the guy who walks into a bar and gets a concussion. Hey-o!
Anyway, you should say something to the effect of “No thanks; that’ll over-expose the microfilm in my rectum.” Or “I’d prefer you respect me superficially on the outside.” Or “No thank you; I’d rather not die of skin cancer, like my grandfather.” (That one may be a bit too dark for the room, so use it sparingly — and remember, delivery is everything.) Then, and only then, should you ask for the enhanced patdown.
Be sure to ask for “the enhanced patdown” with a pronounced wink and the little “quotation marks” you make with the index and middle fingers of your left and right hands. If you don’t do these things as you ask for “the enhanced patdown,” you’ll just get a perfunctory invasive grope delivered by a bored TSA employee who’s been feeling up strangers all day long. To hell with that. You wanna go straight to the Champange Room!
Prep your groin area. Even the most seasoned of crotch-grabbers (“Hey, TSA guy, secure THIS! Oh, wait, that’s your job”) can be shocked into an Orange Alert by a couple of unknown bogies skimming the no-fly area. In the days before you fly, encourage your friends to get familiar with your chest and groin. Don’t have any friends, perhaps because of your history of awkward and inappropriate requests? You could generate excitement in the office by putting a gift certificate for a family dining establishment somewhere on your person.
Remember that every groin is unique, and everyone has a unique taste in groins. If the TSA groper doesn’t seem thrilled with yours, don’t take it too badly. Your groin is very special place, and you should be proud of it no matter what anyone says!
Here’s where I was going to suggest, tear-away pants with hot pants underneath, but last week a young lady in Seattle stripped down to her underwear for her patdown. In the wake of that act of sheer, lacy civic disobedience, my tear-away pants suggestion seems kind of tame, so I’m dropping it.
(However, I can’t say enough good things about tear-away pants. Everyone should own a pair, for job interviews and stuff like that. Talk about game-changers!)
Mentos! Put some in your underwear. Mentos are international shorthand for “I’m an irrepressible self-starter who’s going to use his charm and guile to get through this awkward situation. And your breath could use a gentle backhand, too — you know what I’m saying?”
Do not ask your TSA agent if he/she used to be a hand model. Do not say “I’m gonna take that personal in a minute.” Do not bust out with a Marv Alpert-like “Yesssss!” when they make contact with your goods; contrary to what your dad says, this phrase is not an icebreaker. Do not make race car sounds as the agent frisks around your privates. Do not say, “That’s nice. Do you do windows?” And do not ask for a “happy ending.” That trick never works.