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Home Repair For Jerks

19 November 2010 Lies and Entertainment 4,891 views One CommentPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

In the early 1990s, a series of books cheekily called “For Dummies” was published. Over the course of the past 20 years, the “For Dummies” books have developed into an enormous publishing success, with over 1,700 different topics covered. We all know that the “For Dummies” name means that they are going to explain everything, so you don’t have to feel scared to start reading.

We are now proud to introduce a selection from a new series about to premiere that doesn’t peddle to the uninformed, but the irritating, malicious and purposely difficult among us. Our “For Jerks” series will revolutionize the publishing industry and will likely make us all millionaires.

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This book is for the jerks!

Of course, the first option for home repair is to just not do it at all. Nothing says I’m better than you and I don’t care what you think more than having a house that looks like a pile of loosely-connected planks badly in need of a paint job. However, now that the law comes into play, you may sometimes actually be forced to do SOME work on your home to keep those whiny babies who live around you happy.

The philosophy behind Home Repair For Jerks is to do as little as possible in the most irritating way possible.

The first item you need to purchase is an air compressor. This is the most useful tool in your home repair arsenal. Our recommendation is to buy the oldest, loudest used air compressor you can find. There are may practical uses for an air compressor, but you won’t care about any of those. For the jerk, the air compressor is just a signal to everyone in the neighborhood that you’ve started working.

Even your most persnickety, busybody of a neighbor will be begging you stop working after six hours of constant, muffler-less engine churning as it struggles to keep a constant pressure.

This can make even raking your yard into a true Guantanamo-level torture for everyone involved.

To make it even worse, buy a generator to run your air compressor. It’s like living in an Indy 500 car!

CONCLUSION: An air compressor is your most important tool!

Choosing When To Work

It might seem difficult to work on the outside of your house after the sun has gone down, but a series of bright spotlights can illuminate even the darkest corner of your domicile. In fact, correctly applied, the light will reflect off your house onto every other house in the neighborhood.

So, once the clock strikes 10 p.m., start up your air compressor and turn on the lights! Even if you’re just changing a bulb in your porch lamp, it can turn a minor annoyance for you into a huge pain in everyone else’s ass!

Of course, if you are a night owl, you might just want to stay up all night and start at 5 a.m.

CONCLUSION: I’ll hammer in the morning! I’ll hammer in the evening! I just won’t hammer during normal business hours.

Fun Tip!

If you just have junk piled in your front yard, the city can make you take it away. But, if you weld it together into an interesting shape, it’s art! The first amendment forces them to let you keep it in your yard.

Hire Hobos

If you just don’t want to do any work yourself, try hiring hobos! They gather together in train yards and under bridges around flaming oil cans. They’re cheap and if you give them some alcohol, they won’t complain about the air compressor. Nothing irritates that nosy neighbor as much as a work crew made up entirely of felons and sex offenders.

To maximize the irritation level, encourage them to take their shirts off if they get hot, and to take lots of smoke breaks.

Next Time: Getting Ahead at the Office For Jerks!

David Wahl

PHOTO BY CHRISTOPHER SESSUMS

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One Comment »

  1. Yes, yes…food for thought…(if I had a hammer, I’d build me a woman!)

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