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Crime Prevention Tips for a Dangerous World

12 November 2010 Lies and Entertainment 4,848 views One CommentPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

We live in a dangerous world. As a smarter-than-average person, you probably live a state of constant fear. After all, the world is full of blackmailers, robbers, mail frauders, indecent exposures, printer cartridge mailers, DUIers and other “ers” far too terrible to mention here. If I were to mention the worst of them, your head would probably explode from all the fear. It is only because of special training from trained psychologists that I am able to consider these terrifying things without instant death from an exploding body part.

I have, with help of police and my team of trained fear-psychologists (I call them “fear-chologists,” but they hate it) that I have come up with a series of easy-to-follow tips that can take your level of worry down to a place where you can live your life as normally as one can these days.

I’m not going to waste your times with the usual tips. I’m going to assume you are already so unbelievably tangled up in knots that you’ve read every other article on the internet and ended up here as a kind of last resort.

If at any point you start to get afraid while reading this and a body part begins to throb or tick as if it is about to explode, take a moment to look away and watch one of the following videos until you calm down.

Video 1
Video 2
Video 3

Part 1: Tips for Protecting your Home

The most important part of protecting your home is leaving it as little as possible. Most criminals watching your home (don’t fool yourself that only one criminal is watching you) are going to wait for you to leave. Believe it or not, they don’t even care why you’re leaving! You could be going to volunteer at a homeless shelter or to bail out Charlie Sheen. All a criminal will see is an empty house ready for them to enter and violate.

Do things that allow you to stay at home full-time, like get your groceries delivered. Give up things like hobbies and friends that require you to go to other places. Wouldn’t you feel stupid if you went bowling and came to find out all your pillows were gone?

If you have a relationship with someone you trust, you can trade off leaving the house and going places, but even this carries risks. Two people are much more able to fend off robbers than one.

Have you considered a moat? This ancient device is an inexpensive way to protect your home. When faced with a choice of having dry feet or getting their feet wet while stealing or murdering, 99% of criminals would rather have dry feet. Even a shallow body of water around your valuables can provide tremendous protection.

Another great tip is to store all your wealth at the bottom of a long staircase in rolls of pennies and nickels. Even if a criminal manages to get past your moat while you’re home, the chances that he’s going to want to carry a bunch of rolls up those stairs is pretty slim. At most, he’ll steal $20-$30 before he gets exhausted and gives up. If that happens, he’ll likely tell all the criminals watching your house about it and they’ll lose interest.

I have a friend who set up his basement to look like the basement from “The Silence of the Lambs.” He then put all his money (rolls of quarters) in the bottom of the well and would bring it up with a bucket. I’m not suggesting you do that, but when a random robber wanders into his house, you can bet he’s out of there like a shot.

I hope these tips have either provided you with an answer or inspired you to come up with one of your own. Hopefully, you can pull back control of your life from those that would seek to harm you.

Uh oh… I’m going to have to cut this short, my elbow just exploded…

David Wahl

PHOTO BY ABBYLADYBUG

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One Comment »

  1. I had not been here before. The topics are interesting and funny. The spelling, punctuation, and grammar are good. I will possibly be back.

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