A Halloween Apology Letter
I wanted to take the time to apologize to you in the old fashioned way by writing you an actual letter. I feel like it’s 1994! (Remember the letter I sent you then to apologize for that whole misunderstanding about linking you to the O.J. Simpson/murder thing? The evidence of your involvement seemed so clear at the time, but we were only 14 years old, and now it strikes me as silly that I even brought it up.)
Dressing as you for Halloween was intended as an homage, it was not meant to insult or anger you. It was just a rib. (By the way, did you see the McRib is back this week? Yum!)
At first I thought you were jealous when I walked into that party as Steve 2, but was eventually persuaded that I may have crossed a few lines. So, I would like to single out the following actions to directly apologize for.
1. Breaking into your house and taking your actual clothes for the costume. Yeah, I know I could have gone to Salvation Army and bought clothes “like” your clothes, but I wanted the most realistic costume possible, which required that I get your actual clothes. The fact that they got stained during the party is only partially my fault, as the stains occurred when you pushed me into the buffet table.
2. The wig was certainly the most impressive part of my costume and you’d have to be in my head to know why that is. My therapist has since explained that you are not in my head. In any case, the wig I wore to the part was made of actual hair I had been collecting from your hairbrushes going back six or seven years.
I only came up with the idea for the costume four years ago, which makes it difficult to explain the first few years of hair collection.
3. I am also sorry that I contacted your parents for childhood anecdotes. If I had known that you were not speaking to them and that they didn’t know your current address, I wouldn’t have raised the issue. Surely those stories I learned must have given you some comfort, although the one about the underpants was a bit embarrassing.
As an aside, your father did seem adamant that you should provide him with money to support his alcohol habit.
4. Identity theft is a crime and I realize that now. When I applied for those credit cards in your name, it was just to fill up the wallet for the costume. I didn’t intend on running up big charges that count against your credit record; it just seemed to work out that way.
Without the computer I purchased, I wouldn’t be able to write you this thoughtful note, so it all worked out in the end.
I’m sure you have a few things you’d like to apologize for, too — including knocking me unconscious with a pumpkin carved to look like Justin Bieber (CUTE!) and involving the police.
As the court date approaches, I am weaning myself off of wearing the Steve-wig, and I no longer require the smell of one of your shirts to fall asleep.
I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. (When I first typed that sentence I said, I hope I can find it in MY heart to forgive ME. FUNNY!)
Chuck “Steve” Karuthers