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The Future is Just Super!

3 September 2009 Lies and Entertainment 9,984 views 2 CommentsPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

Editor’s note: In the wake of the Walt Disney Company’s $4 million acquisition of comic giant Marvel Entertainment, the following memo from an unidentified Disney executive was accidentally leaked to the press. Its contents are largely conjecture and long-range planning, but they afford a fascinating look at what happens when an entertainment company that has spent several years acquiring an audience of preteen girls goes after an audience of preteen boys.

The Disney Princesses will henceforth go armed with repulsor rays and retractable claws.

Marvel’s Fantastic Four could team up with our Fab Five to form “The Nonpareil  Nine.” Together, they could battle any and all threatened changes to copyright law … and, time allowing, Galactus.

We could give assistant editorship of Marvel’s publications to Miley Cyrus. She could write a shopping and lifestyle column — “OMG Excelsior!” or something along those lines — that we could run in every issue of every Marvel publication. Billy Ray has asked that we give Miley something to do in order to “keep her from going full Lohan.”

Until we can claim the film rights on Marvel characters whose intellectual properties are contractually bound to other studios — including, but not limited to, Spider-Man, the X-Men, Iron Man, the Fantastic Four, Hulk, Daredevil, Silver Surfer, Captain America, Deadpool, The Punisher and Thor — we should move forward with tentpole films based on Squirrel Girl (Lohan?), Forbush Man and Doctor Bong. We now have the power to keep Nicolas Cage at Disney for the rest of his life. We should use it.

Two words: “Muppet X-Men.” Have legal examine Fox’s contract to see if their property rights specifically mention Muppets.

To avoid further legal expense, Winnie the Pooh and his copyright holders will be sacrificed to the insatiable hunger of the mighty Galactus.

Maybe a “Nightmare Before Christmas”/“Ghost Rider” team-up? Is there enough display space at Hot Topic to accommodate all the gothed-up t-shirts and crapola that particular union will produce? Check with retail division.

Let’s line up Eddie Murphy for a “Black Panther” film. I haven’t actually read the comic but it seems like Eddie would be a good match for the material.

That reminds me: While we’ve got Eddie’s people on the phone, see if he would be willing to do makeup tests for “She-Hulk.” Eddie Murphy in drag plus fat suit equals at least $200 mil domestic.

Change name of “Young Avengers” to “Tween Avengers.” Possible Jonas Brothers franchise?

New attraction for the theme parks: “It’s a Small World — So Small that the Mighty Galactus Shouldn’t Even Bother to Eat It. It’s, Like, a Crudité or Something.”

Investigate news division possibilities. Charles Gibson/cape? Spiked shoulder pads? Talk to wardrobe… On a related note: Stan Lee has asked if he could sit on the panel of “The View” from now on, “right between Whoopi and, um, whatsername. Matt Hasselbeck’s wife.”

Retool “Duck Tales” to include Howard The Duck as Scrooge McDuck’s wisecracking attorney. Classic buddy comedy stuff. We’ll pin down Clive Owen to voice Scrooge and Kathleen Turner could do Howard. Hell yes, I’m serious. If there’s another actor in this town who could pull off that hat-trick of vulnerability, smoker’s cough and weariness from years of fighting Garko the Man-Frog, I don’t know who that is.

Oh! Oh! Tinkerbell Zombies. It seems so obvious now.

The lyrics of “When You Wish Upon a Star” should be changed to reflect our new corporate identity: “Don’t look up at the stars/are you totally insane?/Galactus will see you/and we’ll all be doomed.”

Geoff Carter

“Dis-tastic Four” illustration by Matt Moylan. See it at full size, along with even more of Matt’s awesome work, at Lilformers.com.

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  1. I hate to say it, but a Marvel/Muppets team up actually sounds like a cool idea. If it’s the kind of Muppets they used in “Dark Crystal” and “Labyrinth,” it might make for something interesting.

  2. It seems everybody in the Webiverse or whatever it is had some variation on the combining of Disney and Marvel characters, most of which I didn’t get because I’m old. This was the funniest I’ve seen, especially the comic cover. And the new lyrics to “When You Wish…”, a song that still makes me tear up if I’m not careful.

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