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Hipster Affectations: The Next Wave

12 October 2010 Lies and Entertainment 27,119 views 4 CommentsPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

Trained Canaries. Forget pocket puppies and designer kittens. The hippest of the hipsters are already filling their houses with canaries and training them to whistle the entire catalog of Decemberists tunes. Diehard “Canariistas” will by now have trained five-piece B-52’s flock (heralding back to the Ricky Wilson years), a four-part harmonium dedicated to the works of Esquivel, and a soloist capable of emulating most of Diamanda Galas’ unreleased solo works.

Oatmeal Box Cameras. Until someone invents a Camera Obscura that can fit in a messenger bag, retro-minded hipsters will continue their slow technological decline. Holga’s fussy light leaks and Technicolor flash arrays are already yesterday’s news. Going old school, with a box of Quaker Oats and some duct tape, will be the wave of the future. Kitchen sink darkrooms will be the homebrew of the future.

Fantasy Foosball. It’s hard to enter into the sporting word ironically, unless one really is a chess boxing aficionado, but the hipster of tomorrow is resourceful and will find a way. Since fantasy football is already skirting the line between sport and “Dungeons and Dragons” for a different type of nerd, the next logical step is to remove the LARP factor. Enter Fantasy Foosball. We’re not quite sure of the rules, but be assured that no hipster is either.

Sock Garters. In a deliberate coup, hipsters are about to take sock garters away from the Steampunks. I don’t mean the sexy stocking garters readily available at any lingerie outlet, I mean grandpa-style, around the knee with a hangy-downy clip sock garters. Socks that stay up by themselves are so passé.

Conspicuous Darning. And speaking of socks, it has come to pass that mending is the new knitting, and hipsters nationwide will begin to conspicuously darn their own socks — in public and without apology. The only necessary items for this new frugal craft are custom-made, hand-poured, resin darning eggs, a Banksy-approved darning needle, and embroidery floss hand-spun from recycled Ann Demeulemeester sweaters.

Tanorexia. White, pasty complexions are so late-2009. What better way to give an ironic finger to Seattle’s sunless summers and rain-filled winters than by sporting the tannest of tans available? With judicious airbrush use, the tanorexic can create tan lines in unusual places, accentuate their unicorn-eating-pizza-while-watching-“Diff’rent Strokes” tattoo, or even manscape up a nice set of six-pack abs.

Fictional Guidebooks. Since atheism is losing its luster, hipsters will start flocking towards a new sense of spirituality (or not, as they see fit) and will start taking ideas from The Code of Masked Wrestling, The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, The Slayer Handbook, The Junior Woodchucks Guidebook, and even the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis. Granted, none of these books actually exist, but don’t tell them that.

Fly-Eye Glasses. Multifocals, or MuFos as they will be known, will be all the rage. Why just see 20/20 when you can also magnify, divide, kaleidoscope, and have lenses set for polarized and anaglyph 3-D at the ready?

Lorien Gruchalla

PHOTO BY PEDRO MOURA PINHEIRO

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4 Comments »

  1. Shit. I already have a dog named Budgie, am an enthusiastic mender and darner and am pasty. white. I’m riding the wave!

  2. The “technological decline” is one of the hipster’s most paradoxical traits. Fixed gear bikes are simpler, but WAY costlier than their multigeared brethren.

  3. Don’t tease me like that Lorien! I have been waiting to get my hands on the The Junior Woodchucks Guidebook since I was 8 years old.

  4. love the article, but sorry:

    http://www.amazon.com/Ferengi-Rules-Acquisition-Star-Trek/dp/0671529366

    it’s been out for 15 years.

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