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Halloween Safety Tips

8 October 2010 Lies and Entertainment 5,998 views One CommentPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

It’s the time of year when the leaves start to turn and all the little ghosts and goblins come out to play! As we all know, it’s okay to have fun as long as we play it safe. This list of Halloween safety tips will ensure that your October is all treat and no tricks!

Don’t take candy from old people! Sure, your grandma and grandpa love you, but most old people have it in for kids. They either poison the candy or buy that stuff that practically kills you because it tastes so bad! Butterfingers? Candy Corn? Plus, old people like to save money. That means that they save candy from year to year if they don’t give it all away. If you eat a three year-old Butterfinger, don’t come running to me.

If you have to dress in a sexy costume, consider if the original source of the costume makes the “sexy” part disturbing. Sexy Nurse sure, but Sexy Big Bird is a disturbing concept and should not be done. Other sexy costumes too disturbing to actually do include Sexy Charles Manson, Sexy Goodnight Moon and Sexy Jessica Simpson. It makes me shudder just to think about it.

Be careful when incorporating flame into your costume. Flames burn human flesh when you stand too close to them. If you want to dress as a pile of oily rags, don’t use real oil. Also, you should avoid even the appearance of flammability! Last year, a child dressed as kindling was used to start a bonfire in rural Pennsylvania. Don’t let this be you!

Vandalism is never cool! Unless the person you are vandalizing is a real jerk, in which case it’s kind of cool. If you do decide to vandalize something, be careful. If you are going to commit arson it’s important to remember, as we’ve already stated, flames burn human flesh! Spray paint is also dangerous with prolonged exposure, so plan on painting short words. If you had to spray paint “antidisestablishmentarianism” you’d probably fall off the ladder. Imagine how embarrassing that would be if you were dressed as Sexy Big Bird.

Stay current on your internet memes. Do not dress as the Chocolate Rain guy or the guy in the tight Tron costume unless you want to be beaten up by a gang of people dressed as commenters who are itching to “flame” you for making jokes with old references. This year, dress as Sad Don Draper or Sad Keanu. That will never get old!

Murder is a crime! Even on Halloween.

An apple is not a safe place to store a razor blade. Sure, it keeps the blade sharp and makes it last forever, but what if you accidentally gave it to someone?

Be mindful of curfews. We live in a nanny-state that uses its power to limit our freedoms in the name of safety and Halloween is no exception to its multi-tentacled strangling of our personal freedoms. Check with local authorities to find out what time a bunch of churchy schoolmarm types have decided your fun is over. It’s enough to make you want to burn down a building dressed as Sexy Big Bird. That would be illegal and unsafe, but the mugshot of you in costume at police headquarters would probably be next year’s most popular costume!

David Wahl


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