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The Ultimate Sales Letter

24 September 2010 Lies and Entertainment 5,339 views 3 CommentsPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

As you probably know, Monkey Goggles is sponsored by Archie McPhee and I work for them. This time of year, my mailbox is filled with emails of people pitching their products for us to carry. Since it wouldn’t be fair to reprint any actual emails, I have merged all the sales emails I have received in the last month into one super email which is guaranteed to sell your product.

Feel free to lift and use parts of the following when selling to other companies.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have a great idea for a product that I know you would be interested in selling on your website. It is an exciting new idea that will revolutionize the novelty industry. It combines all the best funny parts about toilets, farting, thongs and nagging wives into one hilariously non-PC object that anyone with a sense of humor will want this coming holiday season.

I have trademarked and copyrighted this product, so don’t even think about stealing it. In fact, I am so worried about theft of my intellectual property, I won’t even show it to you before you order it. Just take my word for it, it’s hilarious.

Imagine, if you will, something that takes all our fear of death and channels it into scatological tomfoolery that would delight even your mother-in-law. Did I mention boobs yet? Because they are also part of the product. They are not presented in an offensive or weird way, it is very respectful. However, you won’t find this product at Wal-Mart! (I sent it to them first and they turned it down.)

I hope you realize that me sending you this email, even though I haven’t specifically mentioned the product, will give me reason to think you stole my idea if you ever produce anything even remotely like it. So, be forewarned!

This product is also patriotic! Which is not to say it’s political, unless you hate America. If you hate America, you’ll hate this product. In fact, it’s probably the most patriotic item ever produced and is sure to be decorating the homes of all patriotic Americans this holiday season. I am donating 2% of my net profit to organizations that support our troops. If it sells as much as I think it will, that will be over a million dollars!

I have already produced over 10,000 of these items knowing that you will buy them. If you don’t, I’ll be bankrupt. I already have a sales order made out for 5,000 of them with your name on it. You just need to sign it. I can’t get them released from the factory until I have your money.

Oh, and it’s also perfect for kids, babies and people over 40. In fact, no baby shower or “over-the-hill” birthday party would be complete without one of these.

In conclusion, I will sell you this guaranteed great mystery product for a price that will be determined after you order. In fact, the more interest you show, the higher the price will be.

Yours Truly,

C. Emptor

P.S. — You may remember last year I offered you a CD of Christmas Carols done in farts. I know you didn’t want those at the original price, but now I have several thousand for sale at a clearance price of 10 cents each. That’s less than the price of a blank CD!

David Wahl


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  1. “…but WAIT! before you answer! Look at these LOVELY FREE…but only if you act within the next thirty seconds…I’m only giving you this deal because the boss is out to lunch – and he’ll be back in two minutes! and then…”

  2. As Homer Simpson said “It’s funny because it’s true…”

  3. Dammit! I recognize this great idea. Yet another of my great ideas has obviously been stolen from me by someone who procrastinates less than I do. There’s nothing left for me but to become bitter.

    (Thanks for the peek behind the curtain at Archie McPhee.)


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