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Suggested Product Improvements: The Ventriloquist’s Dummy

20 August 2010 Lies and Entertainment 7,892 views 7 CommentsPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

Have you ever noticed that some products could be improved with just a little tweaking? This new series will suggest ideas that take a common everyday product that we already use and then improve it with tiny incremental changes. Hopefully, the various industries involved will read this and pick up on the idea.

Safety Ventriloquist Dummy That Won’t Stab You To Death While You’re Sleeping

Sure, everyone wants to own a ventriloquist dummy, but how many of us can overcome the very real fear that it will come to life in the middle of the night and stab us to death with a large kitchen knife? Wouldn’t it be great to own a dummy and not have to worry that if you put it on a chair in your room and look away for just a second that it won’t be there when you look back? Or, that you’ll find him talking on his own revealing the innermost secrets of your subconscious mind.

Vent Figs (as they are called in the industry) and the fear of them are the cause for many breakups. After all, what woman wants to wake up with a ventriloquist dummy standing over them with a gallon of gasoline and a lit match cackling in a high pitched whinny? No woman wants that, and it is for these reasons so many ventriloquist have trouble with the ladies.

This Safety Ventriloquist Dummy in the answer! Not only does he come in a double-locked case, the same kind of locks used by the KGB and the CIA, but there is a space age fingerprint lock. The fingerprint lock reads the users palm with a laser scan. These lasers are so high tech that they can detect temperature and wood and know not to open if any cold or wooden appendage is placed upon it. So, to get in, or out, without your active permission, a vent fig would literally have to rip your hand off and put it on the scanner immediately.

That’s not all; it also comes in a tiny little straitjacket for you to store him in. Made of the highest quality fabric and thick, unbreakable stitching, this is the same brand of straitjacket that has held the insane captive for centuries. Surely it can hold a tiny wooden Golem and prevent him from strangling you with his floppy stuffed arms.

He also has removable hands and feet! Even if he does come to life, he won’t have any hands to hold the kitchen knife or feet to clip-clop down the hallway as he chases you toward the basement stairs! Unless the hands come to life on their own, pick the locks, use another disembodied hand on the scanner, undo the straight-jacket and reattach themselves, you have absolutely nothing to worry about at 2 a.m., as you lay in bed bathed in your own sweat.

That’s it for this installment of Suggested Product Improvements! Next time, we have a few suggestions to improve the mustache.

David Wahl


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  1. Your best post in recent memory. Very inspired. Glad I’m reading ity just after waking up, instead of just before going to bed.

  2. Reminds me of my favorite Twilight Zone episode! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dummy Your improvements would have solved all his problems & made for a much happier ending!

  3. Elegant solution! And to think I wasted all that time working on dummy-friendly psychoactive medication…

  4. Sorry to nit-pick about such a fine post but shouldn’t that be “straitjacket”?

  5. @Bruce: That was my mistake; I’m sorry. My hands were tied behind my back.

  6. No words….this is totally hilarious. I’ve read it five times to myself, and tried to read it out loud to someone last night and couldn’t get through it as I was crying and gasping for air I was laughing so hard. Thank you!

  7. […] speaking it is a ventriloquist’s dummy (so this is essential reading, David Wahl: Suggested Product Improvements: The Ventriloquist’s Dummy- Safety Ventriloquist Dummy That Won’t Stab You To Death While You’re Sleeping. Also see his […]

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