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A Modesty Proposal

13 August 2010 Lies and Entertainment 2,186 views 3 CommentsPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

Small Animal Decency is an organization founded by decent, hard-working Americans that works to keep animal nudity away from the eyes of innocents. We believe that you shouldn’t have to be human to experience shame. Shame is a state that should be equally enjoyed and celebrated by all living things.

We also believe that the natural state of all animals is clothed. Some point to the fact that they are born naked as proof that they are in their natural state. We too are born naked, but does that mean we should have to see Ray Romano without clothes? The answer is self-evident.

And finally, we believe that it is up to us to clothe all the animals in nature before our world becomes a cesspool of iniquity. Think about it. We even use cats and chickens as rude terms for human anatomy. The connection is already there!

Ask yourself, is this a zoo or a strip club?

Protect your children!

The world today is a constant assault on our senses. From TV to radio to our email in-boxes we are constantly exposed to the absolute worst our society has to offer. Humans are, of course, the worst offenders but there are no innocents in this descent into swill. All living creatures must take responsibility for the moral education of (human) children.

Human children are the most important thing on our planet right now. Every decision we make must be passed through a filter that asks how it will affect the children. If an action or idea is inappropriate or harmful to children, it should be wiped from existence as quickly as possible.

Children are little yous, and you have to admit, there is no one more important than yourself. Therefore, anything that is harmful to a child is harmful to you. So, naked animals hurt you every single day.

It’s simple logic!

Enough is enough!

I started this group after deciding enough is enough. My wife and I got rid of the TV, radio and blocked the internet. We even canceled our subscription to the newspaper and smugly thought we had plugged all the holes that were letting this filth into our home. We gathered our children and went for a walk in the woods to experience the wonder of nature.

Instead of a restful hike admiring the grandeur of the forest, what we experienced was a shocking parade of animal genitalia and tushies. It was as if instead of going to a park we had wandered into an x-rated theater. By the time we left, we were ashamed and our children were forever traumatized.

The worst offender in all of this? The squirrels.

This experience led us to found Small Animal Decency, an organization dedicated to clothing the small animals that city children are constantly exposed to. We have only taken our first tiny baby step toward this goal by manufacturing and selling Squirrel Underpants.

What can you do?

Besides mindful eye-covering and animal avoidance, the best thing you can do is buy our Squirrel Underpants. This is useful for two reasons. One, it will allow you to clothe a squirrel! Two, it helps us fund our movement to eventually clothe all the animals of the world.

Right now, Elephant Underpants are just a beautiful dream, but with your financial support, they could be a reality. Imagine how much good we would be doing for children if we could cover up private parts that large.

Squirrel Underpants and Squirrel Underpants for Girls are currently for sale on the Archie McPhee website.

- David Wahl

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3 Comments »

  1. While this is in no way meant to disparage the quality of your fine rodent lingerie, you should be aware that Alan Abel beat you to the punch by 51 years with his Society for Indecency to Naked Animals (SINA). Read all about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alan_Abel

  2. Hey Devlin,

    I had never heard of them when we started our project years ago, but someone pointed it out after we launched our website. Since so little of their prank actually still exists, I didn’t feel anyone involved would mind if we updated it a little. Isn’t it amazing that the satirical point they made is still relevant today, probably more relevant.

    Squirrel Underpants Forever!

  3. David, I see from following Devlin’s link that SINA had an anthem. Where is our anthem?

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