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Perfectly Good D.I.Y. Ideas Rejected by ReadyMade Magazine

30 July 2010 Lies and Entertainment 7,017 views 4 CommentsPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

Freelance writers have to hustle. We can’t be too picky about which assignments we take or we stop eating and paying rent, which are both vital parts of the freelance process. I’ve written pieces on everything from wedding music choices to professional log-rolling, and at the end of each month I’ve cashed the checks, cleared my desk, collected my thoughts,and began looking for the next batch of paying gigs. I rarely give a second thought to an assignment after it’s been published. There simply isn’t time.

That said, if I were ever to get published in ReadyMade — a bimonthly do-it-yourself magazine that teaches us how to make new and useful things from old and tired things — I would probably brag about it for months, because at this point it’s become an obsession of mine. I have sent dozens of great D.I.Y. pitches to ReadyMade over these past few years, and every one of them has been rejected by the magazine’s plainly unimaginative editorial staff. I can’t believe that there are people in this world who don’t want to put their hands to my oh-so hip and sustainable home improvement projects.

If I had a hammer, I’d tell you:

How to make a one-person hot tub from a washing machine

How to power home appliances from a drum kit (maybe with a Neal Peart sidebar?)

How to make a water park out of quick-dry concrete and a big pile of leaves

How to build your own in-house hospital using items from IKEA’s kitchen and garden departments

How to make one-time-use Frisbee Golf set using your neighbor’s dishes

How to knit your own money

How to muster up some extra household help using a pentagram and the blood of a virgin

How to save money on makeup by microwaving old lipstick tubes and pouring the runoff into popsicle molds

How to create a convincing replica of a celluar phone using your pinky and thumb

How to replace your auto insurance with bumpers and side panels made of spongy, cushioning Nerf

How to make your own peach schapps using old Starburst candies and fermented Hot Pockets

How to use several tons of plastic water bottles to make a perfectly nice floating plastic island

How to make a Russell Brand Halloween costume using a bear rug smothered with liberally with Vaseline

How to make a Katy Perry Halloween costume using only the Vaseline

How to build a luxury car out of your neighbor’s stolen luxury car

How to fashion a Board of Appeals letter opener from an old shiv

How to bridge the National Debt using Legos

How to make your very own E-meter using a butterknife and the nearest electrical socket

How to make a feature article out of list items

How to make a successful television show out of a bunch of New Jersey-based drunks, personal trainers and morons (This was rejected on the basis that, apparently, someone has already done it.)

Geoff Carter

PHOTO BY ANSSI KOSKINEN

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4 Comments »

  1. I think how to knit your own money was my favorite :)

  2. It would be useful to be able to transmute lead into gold. Hell, if my refrigerator can turn a Tupperware container of tuna salad into…whatever that is that I’ve chosen to leave on the second shelf for another three months or so, why not give it a whirl?

  3. Foxy: Alas, Lorien Gruchalla gets the credit for that one. She’s in the basement learnin’ to print. Ten, twenty, thirty million ready to be spent. We’re stackin’ ‘em against the wall, those gangster presidents.

  4. Why not get the ball rolling on your own DIY magazine? Fill its pages with your beautiful ideas, and ReadyMade will rue the years of harsh rejection!

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