Articles I Was Going to Write, But Didn’t
I know this may come as a shock to people, but we here at Monkey Goggles have standards. Not just standards of quality, but there are certain limits of language and decorum that we won’t cross.
This means that I have a bunch of stuff that I wrote up or started to write that I thought would be perfect for Monkey Goggles, but upon further thought, I realized I couldn’t actually publish any of them on the site. Some were libelous, some too personal, and some were just plain gross.
Below, you’ll find what I could salvage from these pieces — reformatted, reworded and generally bowdlerized in such a way that they may actually make their way past our editor and onto the site.
I was going to write an article about things you shouldn’t Google. There are lots of seemingly innocent words and phrases that pull up really disturbing results. This, of course, would be based on the idea that you would already know what I was referring to, and you would get a few laughs out of seeing them all gathered in one place.
Then, I realized that if you didn’t know what I was referring to, you’d have to Google whatever sour fruit-based fiesta or drinking vessel/female combo I’d mentioned to understand the joke. The laugh would not have been worth the therapy you would have had to go through after seeing this stuff. A list of innocent words could end up being a map of the darkest parts of the human psyche.
You know, stuff my friends sent me as a joke. Ha ha!
When Gary Coleman died, I read a bunch of interviews about how difficult that he and his parents had been to deal with. I imagined a whole scenario in the writer’s room at “Diff’rent Strokes” where the writers tried to come up with an episode that would punish Gary Coleman for being difficult that resulted in the infamous “Bike Shop” episode in which Gordon Jump plays a child molester.
Hey, my wife thought it was pretty funny. She also told me to burn it and never to show it another soul.
The one about pandas forming their own fascist party, writing a Bamboo Eater’s Manifesto and demonizing koala bears was probably funny only to me. Not to mention that pandas are strongly connected to China, so it would have wrongly come out as some kind of bizarre China/Australia political metaphor instead a story of incredibly cute animals matched up against the most terrible part of human politics.
One thing is for sure — it would have been the most adorable regime ruled by an iron paw ever!
Editor’s Note: Two paragraphs were removed at this point because they would have opened us up to legal action from one of David’s former employers. They were good, funny paragraphs. Probably the best part of the piece. Take our word for it.
Tons of self-censoring goes on so I don’t offend friends and family. Something that I think is a cute story or funny quirk in a friend is something they don’t want revealed on the internet. And my wife is off-limits to the point where this sentence and the other two that mention her might not make it into the final article.
So, that means you’ll never hear my friend Dave’s detailed theory about how to improve any bad movie with random sexual encounters, or what horrible advice the homeless guy in the park gave me about women. (I will reveal that following his own advice helped him to end up divorced and living in the park.) You are better off not carrying any of it around in your head. I’ve got it all rolling around up there and it hasn’t done me any good.
That pretty much clears the boards, except for the stuff that I can’t clean up enough to mention in passing. I actually feel better for getting it all out there. Next week I’ll get back to writing the light-hearted, good natured fare you’re used to from Monkey Goggles. You know — monkeys, kittens, unicorns and rainbows!
No Nazi pandas allowed.