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An Absolutely Irresistible Offer

9 April 2010 Lies and Entertainment 3,771 views No CommentPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

Is your life like a puzzle from a garage sale?

Tom Johnson was a man who had it all — a wife who loved him, healthy children and a fulfilling career. By any measure, he should be a happy man — and yet, he thinks that something is missing from his life.

Sheryl Hobster was the kind of person who wrote out a life plan for herself at the age of 14, and by the age of 30 had checked off every item. Any dream she had ever had, including climbing Mount Everest and appearing as a guest star on “Two and Half Men” as one of Charlie’s girlfriends, was accomplished. But she still found herself lying awake at night, wondering why she didn’t feel fulfilled.

Bill Gates was the head of a large corporation and a huge charitable organization, but despite his wealth and spiritual life, he still couldn’t get a decent haircut. What mystery of the universe does he not know?

Does this sound like you?

Do you sometimes feel like no matter how much you accomplish, you’re still not meeting your potential and happiness is just out of your reach? Many people can sense how close they are to complete satisfaction with their lives, yet there is something lacking — something that holds them back from happiness.

Stop blaming yourself!

We’ve started calling this Garage Sale Puzzle Syndrome. Have you ever bought a puzzle from the garage sale and tried to put it together and found that even though the box says 500 pieces, there are only 499 pieces inside? No matter how hard you work or how smart you are, you can’t complete a puzzle unless you have all the pieces. This is what’s wrong with your life.

Your life is a garage sale puzzle!

Once you have that extra piece, everything starts to make sense. In fact, we’ve found the following to be true when all the pieces are there:

  • Health problems clear up immediately, because the level of stress has been lowered!
  • Creativity increases! Your newly complete brain will attract ideas like a winning lottery ticket attracts long-lost relatives.
  • Money Magnet! You will become the center of a cyclone of money! It’s like standing next to an active volcano and instead of lava, it’s sending out $100 bills! Be careful, though; they’re still hot like lava. You have to let them cool first.
  • End bad habits! You will be able to beat alcohol and drugs. Plus, you’ll just be less irritating to everyone around you, you darn chatterbox.

The answer.

We still aren’t sure what the answer is, but when we find it, you can be sure we’ll charge you a lot of money for it. In the meantime, stop reading any ad that has copy like this. Anyone who writes this has no answers! If they had any answers, everyone would be going to them already. There would be no need for advertising!

What should I do now?

Find little things that make you happy and do them for yourself. Just like when you’re on a plane and those masks pop out, you should put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put one on a child. You have to take the time to make yourself happy before you can worry about anyone else.

I guess the idea of our lives as a crashing plane is pretty depressing. Forget I said that.

Why are you still here?

Are you still reading? Wow, this kind of copy does that, doesn’t it? Just propels you forward. Okay, well, if you still want to send us money, click here. Nothing on Archie McPhee will guarantee happiness or fill in some missing piece in your life, but it could help you in the short term. Plus, unicorns are awesome. Just saying.

David Wahl

PHOTO BY MARTIN NAROZNIK

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