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Awesome Alien Abduction Facts!

19 March 2010 Lies and Entertainment 19,544 views 6 CommentsPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

We’ve all heard rumors about UFOs, alien abductions and the people that seem to attract them, but most of those reports are a mix of opinion and fact. We at Monkey Goggles, in our continuing struggle to make the world a more rational and truth-driven place, have collected together the few unassailable facts about the phenomenon. We hope that by presenting them in a crisp, clear manner we can help the conversation to move forward in a more comprehensive and complete manner.

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The first provable alien abduction took place in 1965. A Mr. John Ruggles was abducted from his bed on May 26th at 1:42 AM. At first he had only flashes of memories of the event as well as related recurring nightmares, but after his death in 2009 an old notebook was discovered full of drawings of the technologies he had seen on the alien ship. Not only did he predict such inventions as the personal computer and the cellular phone, but his notebook also had clear drawings of such inventions as the Snuggie, Handerpants, the Slap Chop and what would eventually be known as the George Foreman Grill. There were also technologies that have yet to be revealed to the public, but government agents took those. His wife claims the aliens had technology that did away completely with the irritation of having to have two separate containers for ketchup and mustard, but the Obama administration has forbidden her to share it.

Aliens often abduct people who are incredibly intoxicated. They give them tagging tattoos on their lower backs so if they are abducted again they can track their movements by adding to the tattoos. After their tattoo update, they are released back into the wild in a fresh Ed Hardy outfit. An affinity for Ed Hardy clothes is a common symptom of being a multiple abductee.

There are currently two races of aliens on Earth. One is a race of lizard people called the Katlee and the other is the typical “Gray” alien called the Philbin. The Katlee live among us in disguise and occupy high positions in all the world governments. The Philbin are limited by their moral code to observing us and doing some experimentation. In one hilarious mishap, a Philbin abducted a Katlee who was disguised as a human. It was awkward when first discovered, but they can all have a good laugh about it now.

The first Philbin message to be interpreted into English said, “This isn’t a pot belly, it’s a fuel tank for a sex machine.”

After receiving terrible service at a local hotel, aliens have vowed never to visit Area 51 again.

The Philbins tried to integrate themselves into human society at first, but their small size made it difficult to disguise themselves in large numbers. The Munchkins in the original Oz movie were 90% Philbins. It is rumored that hiding this fact may have been so stressful to Judy Garland that it contributed to her eventual drug and alcohol dependency.

It is not a coincidence that the name of the two alien races, Philbins and Katlee, correspond to the names of two popular talk show hosts of the 1990s.

Aliens do not find Jim Belushi funny. The popularity of his TV show is one of the most hotly debated topics amongst alien scholars.

There are no alien/human hybrid babies not because the two races are genetically incompatible, but because humans are unable to meet the emotional needs of the aliens, making a relationship impossible. The last attempt to merge the two races ended with an alien locking itself in its spaceship and crying itself to sleep.

David Wahl

PHOTO BY INEKE HEESTERBEEK

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6 Comments »

  1. is all this stuff real cuz it dont seem like it. me just want to make sure cuz im doin research for homework and i dont wanna feel stupid 4 having fake info.

  2. wowowowowow

  3. Wow, wouldn’t the wife talk anyway! She should tell everybody so then the space man theory can be at least a little proven!

  4. this doesn’t sound real, we’re using it for homework/ powerpoint too and its not good enough information!!!!!!!!!!!! D:<

  5. this dosnt make sense. the obduction was in 1965 but obama! is able to stop the spread of ketchup and mustard!!!??? 2 flaws 1 we didnt know who obama was in 1965, and 2 why does the gov. hav to stop the combination of ketchup and mustard? its food! and why do the aliens need a george forman grill? are they trying to lose weight by grilling fat away?

  6. THIS IS NOT REAL INFORMATION!!! It’s funny that you have to ask. For goodness sakes DO NOT use this for your homework! It is purely humor and fictitious material!

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