Home » Lies and Entertainment

The Most Helpful Werewolf Working in Retail Today

26 February 2010 Lies and Entertainment 3,996 views One CommentPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

Dear Old Navy,

I am writing to tell you about the superior customer service I received from the werewolf that you had working on the afternoon of February 15, 2010.

I was shopping for a pair of slacks to wear on a date. (Personal ad in the local free weekly: “SWM likes fine food, live theater and sitting nude on my balcony while my neighbors are trying to enjoy their balcony. Seeks woman with all her limbs and two eyes for possible romance. Very serious that only the intact should apply.”) And I was having just a tough time deciding between the regular and loose fits khakis. You see, I am stout man in my mid-50s, so the regular fit khakis make my legs look as thick as tree trunks, but the loose fit khakis make my crotch look all lumpy. A woman might look at that particular area and say to themselves, “He’s cute, but what’s going on down there?” (I know that I am cute, by the way. Multiple women have told me I’m cute and I’ve only had one restraining order in my life, so something must be right!)

That’s when the werewolf approached. Other shoppers might have fled in panic, but not me. I’m a veteran – not of war, but of three previous marriages. (After my second wife, I’m not scared of anything! Except for spiders and wet bread.)

Now, I’m not perfect; I must admit that, before today, I had a personal prejudice against Lycan-Americans. I’d bought into the various stereotypes — laziness, lack of personal hygiene and consumption of human flesh — that have been burned into my head by the anti-monster media since birth. This latest film with Benicio Del Toro didn’t help. (How about that casting by the way? He hardly needed any makeup! I thought he’d already played a werewolf in every movie he’d ever made. [Joking!])

I didn’t catch this werewolf’s name because his name-tag was obscured by his matted fur, but you only had one half-man/half-wolf on duty at the time so I’m sure you’ll know who I’m talking about. He smiled, baring his teeth, and asked if he could help me. I explained my dilemma. Quick as a wink he suggested the regular fit cargo khakis in a darker color. After trying them on it was obvious that the pockets and darker color hid my thighs, while the tighter fit made my crotch look fantastic! (My crotch has looked better only once. Can’t tell you the situation in this letter as court case is still pending. But, take my word for it, the story is hilarious!)

The date was a success. My new lady-friend Carol even complimented my pants as we were waiting in line to view the body. (Always make the first date a funeral — that way second date HAS to be better, right?) I am coming in to buy another pair in a different color to wear when I take Carol to my taxidermy class next week. (First we’ll stuff ourselves with squirrel and then stuff a squirrel. I’m hoping she’ll appreciate how much thought I put into this!)

In any case, I had to let you know that I had what Oprah would refer to as an “Aha!” moment in your store. After meeting your werewolf cashier, I realize I how wrongheaded I had been. He was so polite, helpful, and well-spoken that I am completely willing to overlook the child I saw him eat as I left. (The child was obnoxious and ill-behaved; even his mother looked relieved.)

Yours truly,

Karl Hubbard

P.S. I love your ad campaign with the talking mannequins. I had the werewolf in stitches by pretending to have conversations with them while I shopped. (I have to say, they listen better than any of my ex-wives!)

David Wahl

PHOTO BY BRYKMANTRA

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...

One Comment »

  1. Fantastic! Reminded me a lot of “Letters from a Nut” by Ted L. Nancy, especially the P.S.

Have your say!

Add your comment below, or trackback from your own site. You can also subscribe to these comments via RSS.

Be nice. Keep it clean. Stay on topic. No spam.

You can use these tags:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>