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The Untold Life of Abraham Lincoln: Men from the Future

19 February 2010 Lies and Entertainment 28,821 views One CommentPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

In part eighty-three of our one-hundred-part exploration of the recently-discovered secret diaries of Abraham Lincoln, we see the end of the of the Voodoo army of Confederate soldiers and the arrival of a mysterious stranger.

Last time, we left Lincoln in the midst of what he referred to as a “a bit of a complicated death-pickle.” as a Nigerian Voodoo priest had raised an army of zombies from the dead at the Battle of Shiloh. He then sent the zombies to storm Atlanta. Despite the war, Lincoln took pity on the citizens of Atlanta by solving the problem for them.

Of course, Lincoln also feared that, uncontrolled, the army of the undead would make their way northward, spreading their disease as it were a plague. He gathered together the magical armaments of the presidency and made his way into enemy territory accompanied only by “Charley” Jefferson, formerly a strongman for Mr. PT Barnum and currently an artist’s model for sculptures featuring perfect male musculature.

Lincoln faced the Nigerian priest alone, with the gilded gold Masonic Eye of Providence he wore on his chest he reflecting energy bolt after energy bolt until he got close enough to unleash his wrath. As Lincoln wrote in his diary, “The Nigerian holy man was felled by a single slobber-knocker from the blunderbuss of my right arm.”

Lincoln may have been overstating his abilities at this point. “Charley” wrote in his unpublished autobiography that Lincoln’s punch “had the power and lack of direction of a rudderless ship pushed across choppy storm waters by a massive wave.”

While Lincoln was finishing up the leader, who had made his camp in a large barn outside of town, “Charley” was taking out the rest of the zombies by overturning a train engine on top of them. His feats of strength that day were unparalleled, including uprooting a tree and using it as a battering ram and taking out a field of zombie cows with a mechanical reaper strapped to his broad shoulder.

Just as “Charley” and Lincoln paused to catch their breath and exchange their customary witticisms, the unexpected occurred. As Lincoln said in his diary, “I prepared to suggest to ‘Charley’ that we get a steak knowing full well that he would not want any such thing after the happenings of the day, when a blue light lit up the night in front of us. Both of us were temporarily blinded, fearful that the holy man had recovered from my clobbering of him. When we recovered, we were much surprised to see a man in front of us, naked as the day he was born. “Charley” picked up a piece of burlap from the floor of the bar and wrapped him in it. It was then this curious fellow, in an accent unlike any I had ever heard said to me, ‘I have a message, from the future.'”

Lincoln records his reply as, “Well sir, that sounds like a might fantastic story and there’s not a lot that gives me more pleasure than a good story well told. What say we get you some proper clothes, a glass of whiskey and set you about telling it to me.”

They made their way back to the White House via the miraculous sideways walking through dreamland that Lincoln had picked up from the native peoples of Australia in part sixty-four. As soon as Lincoln had put “Charley” on his way and assured Mary Lincoln of his safety, he made his way into the White House sub-basement with the now freshly-clothed visitor from the future.

Lincoln recalls in his diary that he then took strict measures to make sure the man wasn’t “about to tell me a fish story.” In the safety of the his lead-lined lair, Lincoln poured the man a drink. “I am about to show you something that may seem fantastic at first, but is the only way for me to truly know if what you say is true.” It was then that Lincoln revealed the third eye on his forehead that allowed him to see into men’s souls. After the man’s astonishment passed, Lincoln urged him to speak.

“In the future, the world has been destroyed by our technological marvels. In particular, we invented a series of mechanical men with the power of thought who broke free of us and are now set to completely annihilate all humans.”

Lincoln’s eye revealed the man was telling the truth, or at least he thought he was. Lincoln allowed his miraculous eye to fold itself back into his head.

“It seems to me that you have created a new breed of iron-slaves and are shocked that they do not like their lot. Will man never learn his lesson? What is it you need from me?”

“It’s quite simple, sir. What we need you to do is-”

But, his words were cut off by another blinding light, this time red in hue. Silver men stood before them with eyes made of light that spoke, as Lincoln described, “in voices that sounded as if their words were made by a blacksmiths hammer striking metal.”

“Destroy! Destroy!”

The next few pages of the diary were torn from the book, perhaps destroyed in an attempt to not reveal too much information about the future.

David Wahl

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One Comment »

  1. […] part fifty-six of our one-hundred-part exploration of the recently discovered secret diaries of Abraham Lincoln, we follow him on an 1837 hunting […]

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