David Wahl 5 February 2010 Lies and Entertainment 879 views 5 Comments Print This Post  Email This Post

Life is full of disappointments. Most of them are either the result of personal failures (bad relationships, not being good at sports) or are self-evident (drug addiction, “Ernest Goes to Jail”). Here are a few things that I thought were going to work out wonderfully, but either through personal experience or the perspective that comes with maturity, I came to discover they weren’t the brilliant slices of pure awesome that I originally assumed they were.

Owning a monkey

From the moment I saw an ad in a comic book to buy a monkey through the mail, I dreamed of owning one. My wish remained unexpressed to my parents and never made it onto a Christmas list, but there was nothing I wanted more than a monkey. I seriously thought that owning a monkey was the answer to all my problems. I would have an instant, loyal friend. A monkey would go everywhere with me and do what I told him. He would be smart, but not as smart as me. I would be come known as “the boy with the monkey,” and through almost zero effort on my part I would be both famous and free from the shackles of social obligation.

Years later, I read actual stories of owning a monkey. Now I know that there are no stories of primates living long-term with humans that don’t end in a tornado of blood, tears, feces and/or trips to the emergency room.

Instead, I got a pug.

Trusting people in authority

I actually wish I was able to do this. People that can trust people in positions of authority are always happier and their lives are much less stressful. They turn responsibility for their most intimate decisions over to experts and have confidence that they will be taken care of in the best way possible.

Unfortunately, a series of terrible teachers and a couple of near-death experiences with doctors have made me question anyone who claims expertise. Whenver someone says, “Hey, you don’t need to look into that; that’s what you pay me for!”, you should grab your magnifying glass and get to work.

Movies based on “Saturday Night Live” sketches

I still haven’t learned my lesson completely, but at least I’m no longer disappointed when I watch them. They’re pretty much what I expect and occasionally exceed my expectations. Thanks for making me a more cynical human being, “Coneheads!” You even managed to make Chris Farley at the height of his talent completely unfunny.

And yes, I’ll go see the MacGruber movie. Don’t make fun of me.

Taking advice from homeless people

This is one where movies and TV shows steered me completely wrong. In a Hollywood production, when a down-on-their-luck somebody meets a homeless person, the sage-like homeless guy usually tells the sad-sack what’s really important in life, providing keen insight into the ways a devalued human really has a lot of value. The hero then takes that advice and sees everything from a fresher, happier perspective.

In real life, that exchange was quite different. As a young, newly-married guy in my 20s, I would talk to the homeless guys living in the park while I was walking my pug. They would make fun of me for not having my wife walk the dog for me.

“When I was married, I didn’t let my wife get away with anything,” they’d say. “I wore the pants in my family. I had zero tolerance for this kind of crap.”

What they would neglect to say is that it was this precise attitude that led to the dissolution of their marriage, and ultimately to their living in a park. I guess the lesson they were trying to impart was that you should have the courage to live by your convictions, no matter how stupid.

They also made fun of me for having insurance, for paying more than $25 for a pair of shoes, and for saving money for retirement.

Bacon-flavored ice cream

I wanted this to be so good. It reminded me of when my pug would beg for carrots. His favorite thing was human food, so when I ate a bag of baby carrots he would stare at me with laser-intensity. When I would break down and give him one he would immediately start chewing it, but he couldn’t bring himself to swallow. As he crunched the bits would fall out of the side of his mouth the same way Cookie Monster eats cookies. His tongue was literally rejecting the carrot from going down his throat. There was a brain/body disconnect of epic proportions.

That’s how I was with bacon ice cream. I wanted it just as badly. I scooped it into my mouth with amazing gusto and then practically let it roll off my tongue back into the bowl. How could I not like it? It was maple with real chunks of bacon in it. The judges on Iron Chef have liked far worse than this. I tried a second spoonful, but my body went into full revolt.

Free personality tests

I can’t go into too much detail about this one without attracting even more unwanted attention from the people that give the test. Here’s the scoop: It’s a trick! I’ll save you some time on this one and tell you that the test reveals you have ill-defined and oddly-generalized problems with your personality, but if you spend a lot of money on classes, you can fix them.

Perhaps I’m just bitter because I only got a C- on the test and I know for a fact my personality deserved at least a strong B.

- David Wahl

PHOTO BY JULIUS CRUICKSHANK