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The Bacon Eater’s Manifesto, Part 2

29 January 2010 Lies and Entertainment 7,175 views 3 CommentsPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

This document is a recently discovered artifact of an organization that existed in America during the 1950s. The Society for Culinary Acceptance of Bacon competed for membership with the Masons and Oddfellows during the height of secret fraternal organizations. SCAB didn’t hide itself behind secrets and mystical ceremonies like most groups; it was just a bunch of guys that really liked bacon.

Still, they produced several important written documents, including this recently-uncovered Bacon Eater’s Manifesto. Although its language and some of its attitudes may appear outdated, we present a section of it because its central wisdom still holds true today.

Click here to read part one.

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While bacon can and should be eaten at all possible opportunities, members of the Society for the Culinary Acceptance of Bacon do have certain rituals which we believe, when practiced with a pure and unclogged heart, will make the bacon even more savory and delicious. While we realize that doing these rituals does not transmogrify the porky substance of the bacon into more delicious bacon, we think that that the mindset of the baconer will be drawn away from worldly concerns and focused solely on the crunchy, pork morsel that has been laid down before him as if it were a pagan sacrifice, and the breakfast platter the altar.

The first step in the consumption of bacon is to begin the dance. The steps of the dance are not as important as the idea that they are expressing the inner-thoughts of the dancers. Before the dance begins the odor of the bacon cooking for the coming feast must have permeated the hall.

THE DANCE: OUT OF THE PIG AND INTO THE FIRE

The dancers enter clumped together as one. They are a pig, a happy healthy porcine unit that wriggles and snorts its way across the floor in unrepentant merriment. This swinely jigging continues until a fever pitch is reached and one by one the men slice themselves off and become even happier as individual units. Each waggles and jiggles, making sure that the tassels on their fezes are in constant motion, for at this moment each has come one step closer to the greatness of bacon. All that remains is the frying.

It is at this point that all the men fall to the floor as have some kind of uncontrollable twitching fit. Each uses his mouth to make sizzling and popping sounds as they fry themselves on the ground as metaphorical pan. Eventually, all stop moving and the hissing joins together as if all are one.

When the moment of transcendent unified crispiness occurs, all stand and prepare for the oath.

THE OATH: BACON EATER’S OATH

I, (Insert Name Here), do acknowledge the superiority of bacon to all other foodstuffs. This includes steak, cupcakes, candy of all sorts and even fried chicken, which, I admit begrudgingly, are all delicious, but not as delicious as bacon. I swear that I have no allegiance or obedience to any other consumable. I renounce, refuse and abjure the power of other consumables even as I acknowledge that they each have their own desirability. Their power is diluted by the fact that each would be improved with the addition of bacon. I pledge my fidelity to bacon and swear upon all I hold dear that the bacon I am about to consume will be the best bacon ever. And since bacon is the best, this will be the best of the best – pork perfection. I will enjoy it until my ability to do so is exhausted. This I swear, so help me pork.

PRAYER (OPTIONAL)

We recognize that people of no faith may enjoy bacon, even an atheist. However, all agree with its sentiment, even the Godless, so it is generally said at our meetings.

Prayer to St. Anthony, Patron Saint of Bacon, to Assist with the Enjoyment of Quality Bacon

O wonderous St. Anthony, please bless me with an abundance of quality bacon and grant me the patience and timing to properly fry each glorious strip.
Amen.

THE SERVING:

It is then the serving girls, dressed to a one in immaculately white aprons, bring out the bacon. Each silver platter shall have a quarter pound of bacon upon it. There is no silverware, just a napkin to remove its luscious juices from the hands of the baconers, although the true believer is more likely to lick it off.

The men wait until all are served. When the standards of manners are met, the Grand Poobah picks up a single piece of bacon and holds it aloft as if he were the Statue of Liberty holding her torch of freedom. It is then the men chant “Bacon, Bacon, Bacon” a total of nine times building in tempo and then ending with each man crunching his bacon between his teeth and making his own unique sound of guttural enjoyment.

Thus is bacon properly enjoyed.

David Wahl

Bacon Tuxedo via Archie McPhee

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3 Comments »

  1. […] The document then goes on to describe the ceremonial eating and enjoyment of bacon as practiced by those that know it best. You can read the second part here. […]

  2. Some folks act as if this is something new…Bacon has always been superior to other foods. Are there really people out there that don’t follow these rules? Well, I must admit that the last rule is often broken, as we are all weak and prone to bacony influence.

  3. The ancient Greeks knew Bacon. The called it the fifth wonder of the world.

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