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Keyboard Cat Talks to an Agent

23 October 2009 Lies and Entertainment 4,290 views 2 CommentsPrint This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

Keyboard, baby…

I can call you Keyboard, can’t I, Mr. Cat?

I’ll take that as a yes. First off, big fan, huge fan. That whole cat playing a keyboard thing is dynamite. Seriously, it’s an explosion in my head. I mean you expect a cat to be doing a lot of things — catching birds or pooping in a box – but playing keyboard? Crazy!

Did you get those mice I sent over for you? No? I’m going to have to fire another assistant, Keyboard. Don’t worry, I’ll send over mice. Big fat ones, I can’t believe you didn’t get them. I am surrounded by incompetence!

Let me tell you something, I know you’re going to be talking to a lot of people, well, meowing to them… Ha ha ha! Little joke there, Keyboard, little joke. Would you like some more kibble? Here, let me pour for you.

In any case, I see big things for you. Huge things! You were fantastic on the MTV Movie awards. I mean, Zac Efron who? Give me more of that gosh darn cat playing the keyboard. Play them out, Keyboard Cat, play them all out!

Let me cut to the chase here. You’re the kind of cat that doesn’t mess around. A straight shooter, I can see it in your eyes. You’re not a catnip head! And believe me, if you were, I could get you catnip. The best, straight from Vancouver… No? OK.

I think you can do TV and movies, branch out from this whole internet thing into the whole culture.

I can get you on Leno next week!

Yeah, you’re right, Keyboard, you’re right. His ratings are in the toilet, but it’s not how many people watch, it’s who’s watching. Studio heads watch that show, casting directors. You could get a recurring role on one of the CSIs, maybe perform autopsies. Or you could play a killer on an episode! There has never been a serial killing cat! I should be writing this stuff down. We work great together the ideas are flying. The world is your oyster, Keyboard! Speaking of seafood, would you like some tuna? I’ve got some here in my desk.

I can tell from that purr that I’m speaking your language.

Like I said, I know you’re going to be hearing from everyone. Just keep in mind, Dramatic Chipmunk signed with CAA and still hasn’t moved off YouTube. I signed that kid whose dad filmed him after he got drugged at the dentist and he’s playing the lead in a remake of “Problem Child.” That’s a franchise picture. A career in and of itself, right there.

First step I see for you is showing your range. I think we get you a TV special, ’70s style. You come out playing your keyboard, then BAM! You play guitar. You play dulcimer. You play drums! People are going to be shocked at your range. I mean talk about ending typecasting right there.

Oh, don’t worry about that, they’ll just attach the drumsticks to your paws. They have tape that won’t rip out your fur. Seriously, leave the details to me.

Could you hold on for a second? I have to take this call.

Baby! How are you? Uh huh. Uh huh. OK. Right. Bye.

Bad news, Cat. That was Google Hot Trends; no one remembers you anymore. No one cares. Tough break. Don’t worry, you’ll make it. Talent wins out, cream rises to the top and all that. If I could just get that kibble back from you, that would be great.

You’re going to have to leave now. If you could move quickly, I’ve got an appointment with Balloon Boy. Do you know him? He hid in a cardboard box while his dad pretended he was in a giant silver balloon. He’s going to be big! HUGE! No one will ever forget that…

David Wahl

ILLUSTRATION BY BUD CADDELL

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2 Comments »

  1. isnt keyboard cat dead? :s

  2. To paraphrase Kevin Spacey in “Swimming With Sharks”: “He’s not dead; don’t ever say that. He’s just unavailable.”

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